Not My Worst Presentation

Conquering stage fright.

I was not looking forward to Journal Club at all. Sure, I was happy to see others present their work, but this is not about them. When public speaking was deemed as more fearsome than death, I agreed wholeheartedly. 

The nerves that rack your body are noticeable, enough to make it seems like you are in an invisible massage chair. The shuffle of the notecards you prepare are comforting. You think about how no one will be thinking about your presentation because it does not concern them. You think about how this presentation is a small moment in your life. Then, you think about your previous presentations, the ones that are successful and those that are complete failures. The most vivid being where you just stood in front of everyone for a solid minute not saying anything because you forgot your poem. You would stare at the audience and they would stare back. A few looked at you nervously, and you felt bad because you knew you messed up. You hope this one is successful.

I do not think I have ever given a presentation for more than 5 minutes. I even want to say that I have never talked for 10 minutes straight in any conversation. Why do people like talking? Why do people look at you when you are talking? What are they thinking? When they smile, is it for encouragement or out of amusement? How much more time do I have? Am I explaining the right things? Aren't I just repeating things? What is my paper even about? If the writers of my paper were here, would they nod in approval or shake their heads in disappointment? Why am I here? Are people adding points or are they deducting points to my character? Why  do I care so much? 

You realize the notecards you prepared are placed too far for you to use. You notice you are taking too long in one slide. You think about how fast you are talking and how time is not slowing down. You wonder if it all makes sense, if people got the story. You reach the Q&A and all you can think about it, "I'm almost done." There are a few questions, and it makes you think maybe the story was not good enough to entice curiosity. You try to be honest about answers, but you still have that bad habit of talking in a roundabout way when you don't know what to say. People clap and you know it is over. You sprint to the next activity of the day, thanking yourself for having a busy schedule to avoid thinking about your presentation, and only chiding yourself for all of your mistakes during the 6 minutes it took to get to a meeting.

After reflecting, this isn't my worst presentation and that is a comforting thought. I wished I had practiced my delivering and been more strict on what deserves to be in my presentation. However, I did like my article because it did have a story to tell, and its writers were enthusiastic to tell it. It made me wonder what other techniques researchers are developing to solve diseases, to help others. The other presentations made me wonder about the power of science. I know so little about bioengineering, and all the presentations made me think, "I want to know more."